Back for Good

And that should be followed by a question mark… because i do love to write down my wondering’s but the strangest thing happens.. life gets in the way! I say that a lot.. and actually it’s bullshit. Life, your  life, is in your own hands and what you choose to be in the way and what you choose not to be is just that.. a choice.  There are a huge amount of things you may not have a “choice” in.. death, illness, circumstances out of your control BUT you do have a choice in how you react to them.  I am a true believer in mind over matter. However this concept hasn’t always been particularly helpful nor easy to maintain.  To lose one’s mind can actually be therapeutic and much needed. I would always be trying my best to snap out of a bad day, tantrum, devastation over someone or something but it’s actually really handy to just sit with the feeling. Absorb and let yourself react to how your mind and body want to. Of course it’s not always easy to do, some people can’t lay in bed all day eating Party Rings and M&S Salt and Pepper Combo Mix no matter how much they want to .. but you must find someway to let yourself live it, even for a minute.

I do wonder why some folk hide everything, use the stiff upper lip tactic and over use the words “im fine” when it is blatant they are not. Why can’t some people admit they are having a shit time. I wonder if it’s because of the fear of no one caring or over caring, belittling or jumping on the same metaphorical band wagon but their wagon is bigger and their jump is more of a leap… and then there are those who catastrophize .. and tell the world.. or hint to the world on Facebook and follow every response with “ill PM you”..   either way its a personal choice and one that is yours to take.

I would love to say “I treat people how i’d like to be treated”,  “what you put in you get out” and my old favourite ” you attract what you expect”.. are a few instructions which i follow in my happy life manual but i cant honestly say i do. I think most of us tend to lean on the ones we love and trust the most to stay on the radar even if they are on the edge, they are still there.. thank goodness for those.. and oddly there are the ones who shouldn’t even be anywhere near the radar let alone flashing and coming towards you, those you are always ready to intercept.  I wonder why people care so much about what others think? especially from those who shouldn’t be on that radar?

But that’s life right? I think we forget we have a choice.. I think our mind takes over in a some social conditioning type way and we forget we have Free Will.

So I’m back to wondering and writing.. about what I choose. Free Will is an amazing thing. Just need to remember we have it!

 

Say Hello and Wave Goodbye

Ten months ago i lost myself. Literally. Well not physically of course but mentally, emotionally and i guess to some type of degree it was physical.

What was i doing? Why was i here? Where have i been? Which type of person was i becoming? How can i find myself again?

Lots of questions.. no answers.

The only conclusion i could draw was i clearly losing my mind.

As it happens i wasn’t..  it’s something called Anxiety … and what a shit thing that is!!! Where the hell did that come from??  Anything can trigger it apparently and not knowing you have it makes it worse because you become anxious about being anxious without knowing it’s anxiety which is making the anxiousness worse.  Losing my mind doesn’t seem such as surprising conclusion now does it?

Everyone get’s anxious.. even those who appear confident, relaxed and seemingly don’t have a care in the world.. They will still be anxious about something at some point..

Anxiety can be helpful in certain circumstances.. Questioning the decision made, researching the options, showing someone you care about them as you are worried.. That is ok.. That is normal.. That is life. Worrying about whether you have painted the kitchen the right shade of blue to the point of buying four tins of near identical shades and painting the kitchen each shade and still worrying if it’s the right one..   Spending 6 months researching lunch boxes and then panic buying one a week before its needed and looking at it each time wondering was it the right one.. Panicking enough to drive 2 hours to buy a pram you don’t need until 6 months down the line but if you don’t buy it RIGHT NOW you may never be able to buy it again and life won’t be as it should be without it.  THIS type of anxiety is not so helpful. This type of anxiety is not normal.. This type of anxiety is because something happened.. Which you may not even know had affected you to the extent it had.. This type of anxiety you don’t even know you have until you feel you are losing your mind.

It’s also quite embarrassing, humiliating and debilitating. Particularly to a person who used to not care what people thought, how people viewed her and spent most of the time confidently winging it.. So once a good friend pointed it out to me that all was not right in my own private Idaho I realised it to.

I wonder after all this time who else suffers without knowing it.. Who plasters a mask on without even realising it.. Who can’t find the courage to ask for help. And it’s a bloody brave thing to do.  Firstly to even recognise something is not as it should be and because you have to start to rely on your self again.. Start to trust those instincts again,, the one’s you now doubt or ignore or forget they were the only things which were always right to listen to. Sitting with the crushing uncertainty and what if’s.

The people who I know I may have dismissed, thought they were over the top, dramatic, liked the attention.  Maybe they didn’t know.. Don’t know.. But what I do know now it’s ok. It’s alright not to be perfect. It’s ok not to be like you think you should be… It’s fine to be different (I forgot I was Marmite) and even if the wrong decision is made.. What’s the worse that can happen?

And to anyone who thinks they know someone like this.. Don’t tell them to suck it up.. Get over it.. There’s nothing wrong.. Tell them it’s ok. I’m here. We’ll sort it out. Then do it.

I happy and relived to say I’m back. Myself as I should be. Not fixed but thankfully found.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the Memories

So my phone is full of photos & videos… when I notice the girls doing anything remotely funny, sweet, loving etc.. which of course, in my mind, they will never do again and means that I MUST capture the moment… I grab at my phone, flick the camera icon and there’s that damn hated message “storage is full”.. my blood instantly boils, I silently scream and feel the intense need to throw said phone into the nearest wall in sheer temper.. I take a deep breath and quickly scan the stored photos in the hope of deleting a few to free up some space… but as usual I cant bear to delete any… even the out of focus, blurred , girls looking a bit random ones where surely  I will never print out and frame but still I cant bring myself to do it.. I then make pledge that I will be more organised and transfer the photos on to the lap top the same evening… so I look back to the girls… they have stopped doing the funny, sweet , loving once in a lifetime thing. I’ve missed it.

I sometimes wonder how much is missed looking through a lens. Like can “the moment” really be captured? Are the candid shots better than posed? I travelled Australia.. took a whole heap of photos.. was about 13 years ago and you know what I think mostly when I look at them? Why was I wearing that t-shirt? why was my hair looking so shit? man I was a fatty… Some girls have that beautiful natural looking appearance, like they could go days without brushing their hair , not wearing a scrap of make  up, wear literally anything they grab and still look like a earth type beauty with the wind in their hair, sun rays making their skin and perfectly sculpted face look enchanting… I am not one of them. Think perhaps in my mind I was but really I was channelling bulbous saddo with glasses, scraped back hair and socks with sandles. I really should I have thought all that through.. ANYWAY my point it.. how much did I miss taking photos? Apparently a picture is worth a thousand words right? What if those words are wrong? What if the photo tell’s a different story to the truth? We’ve all seen those happy looking bride and groom photos when a week later it’s revealed he was shagging the bridesmaid or she the best man?

Can a photo really be descriptive looking? Should be set up or not? There’s one photo of my eldest sister and I holding eachother tightly on a beach, wearing our grey “fame” tracksuits, with our hair wild and our faces scrunched up where the wind was blowing the sand in our faces so hard it hurt.. this is an amazing photo.. its probably the only one of my sister and I hugging ( even if the reason was because we were freezing.. she hugged me.. i’m taking it.) I was around 4 so she was 7.. I remember standing there, remember the cold, remember the sand like needles on our faces.. remember my taking Dad taking the photo, my Mum hurrying him up.. Yet is was set up? Alternatively one of my most favourite photos is my younger sister and I larking around on a inflatable canoe on holiday in France… I have no idea what was so funny but my Dad captured my sister in a moment of sheer hilarity, her eyes scrunched up , her mouth wide showing her teeth in an motionless hysterical fit of laughter..  my face has a “oh shit he’s seen me” type look so i’m assuming I was up to no good, but it made my sister laugh so was worth the potential telling off! Even now I smile at the photo, her expression is priceless.. not posed for.. purely candid.. and one of the best.

Maybe the 2500 odd photos I have are worth it right? or maybe there are just a precious few..

So should that risk of missing the moment be a good enough reason to pay more attention with what’s happening in front of my eyes rather than being behind my camera phone?

I have lots of childhood memories, barely captured on film but they are still there.. I wonder as a parent you need the photos? That’s my worry.. I will forget the amazing things the girls do.. but maybe I am missing more than I am capturing ?   But of course there’s more than just visual things.. I heard a song on the radio the other day.. Blue Spanish Eyes.. it bellowed through my car speakers and I was immediately overcome with emotion and love for my Dad..  after speaking to him we remembered a time where we played it together on his mini keyboard, well I played and he warbled along…  you could see the warmth of reminiscing in his and my mum’s eyes and they both sang it in unison to confirm I had the right song.. not a photo in sight.

Maybe a reality show is the answer? Would capture everything then?? Life with the Longs..? Instant hit right? Maybe not..

Anyway, must get back to organising those photo’s…

Strike a Pose

The first time a person meets someone new, they take a photo in their mind. A snap shot.  I was told this when I was 17 (ish) by a business man who felt it was his duty to give me a lecture on how his company wouldn’t employ someone like me due to my nose being pierced.. I responded by remarking that I wouldn’t apply for a job at such a shallow minded company and it would be their entire loss. Yes I was gobby back then too, BUT he was half right in his exclamation. That photo is the image which is carried around forever.. most people will remember the first time they met someone significant.. husband, wife, baby etc.. Ginger Rug and I met at work.. he walked into the office with shoulder length hair, wearing a saggy Superman suit while asking for donations for a charity he had dressed up for. Don’t be fooled.. this was not a hardship.. the boy loves to play dress up. Anyway as far as first impressions go, it was a shocker and I can safely say, not one shred of thought went through my mind of “this is the man I am going to marry and who will father my children” who’d have thunk huh? Like wise, when I first met one of my most favourite people, I thought she was a bit off, a bit up one’s bottom and certainly not someone who I’d be loving so much as I do now! So it just goes to show how wrong that first impression and “photo” can be.

I take these photo’s constantly… I like to think I am a good judge of character and I always listen to my instincts. Obviously I don’t always get it right (hello examples) but I like to keep an open mind. If I think positively then usually the poor blighter can’t get rid of me but if something isn’t quite right  then I try to figure out why. My instincts can confuse the hell out of me at times and I will berate myself if I go against them. When I left my career to stay home with #1, I was on the look out for my replacement.. I met her and knew she was the one before she had even uttered  a word. She has just celebrated two years working there and we are still in contact. Instincts.  Both my girls are instinctive.  #2 threw a maraca in a man’s face the other day.. He took it well and of course I apologised, but my girl knew he was a bit of a git and rightly deserved it. Apple , tree.. Anyone?

Where do our instincts come from? are we powered by a higher being leading us on to different paths of thoughts and feelings? ..or is it just our life experience and our sub conscious kicking in when we are remotely reminded of a previous situation where we did something right? or wrong? either way it’s our instincts which make that photo into either something positive or not.  People are very quick to judge.. as am I, but there has to be some good in people right? and if they choose not to show it to you then perhaps you have kicked their instinct off in some way which although completely unaware how or why,  you are then on the receiving end of a short sharp shrift and you are left wondering huh?

I was on the end of such a shrift the other week.. I’d met this lady once before and despite her knowing nothing about me, other than what she had written down in front of her , she made a few unnecessary remarks and comments in which could only be described as an attempt  to put me in my place . Of course she may have been unaware she was doing it, other people may not have picked up on it.. and maybe I was being overly sensitive but to me she had marked my card. This was in my local slimming club,  somewhere where you should feel nothing but support right?  Now I’m a bloody model student. I follow the plan and have never had a gain. I do as the book says and i’ve lost weight. This doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled, found it hard at times, and it’s certainly not been an overnight success. BUT her snap shot of me was a judgement one in a negative capacity and she chose to let it be known. I left the session feeling flat and unmotivated. So, I flipped it on its head. I messaged my usual leader and thanked her for the support and let her know how important she was to my success but annoyingly I didn’t manage to shake the uneasiness off until the following morning.

More annoyingly I’ve  recently learnt that being the bigger person doesn’t always pay off. Sometimes doing the thing you don’t want to do, but think you should isn’t always right. I think you get to a point where the energy for the person/s or situation just gets depleted and that old friend instinct rocks up and says just stop. Just give it up. It’s ok, you have tried your best. One of my besties once said “never make someone a priority, when you are only an option to them” or words to that effect.. and how right she is.. You should put YOU in the front line at times.. not always and certainly not for anything derogatory but at times its good to give yourself the spotlight.

Now this post all sounds incredibly uncheery and very woe is me, but my point is perception. It’s what the world thrives on. Social media is a platform to show everyone that you are a victim or survivor! The perfect family posters, the good time girls/boys posters, the braggers, the attention seekers, the poor me posters, the lurkers who read and rarely post (that’s me) the dirty laundry posters, the reality posters and those who just like to share … whichever type you are.. people are snapping away.

I wonder why people are so keen on impressing others?  Are they looking for  acceptance ? Or do they just not care what other’s think. Either way you have to keep that pose for a very long time and if not real,  then that portrait usually slips.

My photo to others has changed over the years. I would be terrified if the photo taken was a wrong one . I would always impress on work colleagues perception was key to success. I still stand by that to a degree but nowadays I believe the only perception people should have is the easiest one to have.. Then one where a pose isn’t even struck. The pose isn’t even there . It’s just you. Imagine that!

We are Marmite.

Marmite is either loved or hated right? I’m sure there are a select few who are completely indifferent to the salty, yeasty, dark brown deliciousness of Marmite and will never understand the debate on whether it is to be loved or hated. Those people are the lucky one’s. This person is usually a relaxed mortal who is a lovely non judgemental type and let’s everyone be at peace with their decisions. They may have an opinion of crunchy or smooth Peanut Butter ( Crunchy obviously) but ultimately it’s the same toast topper or sandwich filler so no great shakes, but the Marmite debate is huge. Marmite affects lives. It mould’s childhood. If you hate Marmite then your children won’t have it.. if you love it.. then they will. It’s that simple. I wonder what other parental choices have led to life changing decision’s that have been made on your behalf? Pickled Beetroot is a must with a fry up in our house. #2 and I had it this morning with our eggs.  I have been told before this not the norm, they were wrong.

Ginger Rug and I had a conversation regarding  meeting new people, first impressions etc.  I am fascinated by the mind and it’s processes. The thoughts people have and act upon, either unconsciously or with purpose.  I admit its taken me many years to be “at one” with how I am.  Through my teens and twenties it was mostly about appearance. As shallow as that sounds it’s true and ridiculously it was mostly negative… fat arms, fat legs, fat belly, big boobs, meat head, hate my hair so cut if off, hated it until it grew back, rubbish at clothes shopping (still am), bad taste in shoes, too much make up, not enough make up, jewellery choices (hologram pendant on Belcher chain anyone?)… as I hit my thirties and had met Ginger Rug, those things took a step back.. maybe because I was older? maybe I had finally accepted myself? or maybe I had met someone who accepted me as I was and therefore I couldn’t be that bad? Who knows.. what I do know is before this I would have the need to be liked. If I got the impression I wasn’t, I would wonder what  was the reason? did I talk to fast? too much? too funny? not funny enough? too opinionated? too nosey? TELL ME WHAT??? Then id have a good talk to myself and just be wary of said person or usually I would just close them off and avoid! Now, I am a confident person. I am always the first to pipe up in meetings ( I am uncomfortable with silence).. role play is a breeze to me..I can make the best small talk and gain friends as quick as I lose them.. . BUT most people who have this much confidence also have a dark opposite needy side for acceptance. A mere put down to some, is a devastating attack on our character.

Since having children this neediness is rapidly reducing. My babies love me no matter what I look like (ironically I’m slimmer now then I was in my teens, go figure!) and how I behave and Mummy is needed 24/7. I would never want either of my girls to feel the  way I have before.. #1 is the exact replica of me looks wise and personality and  #2 has more of her Fathers relaxed tendencies but I’m sure she’ll have a few of my traits.. I can imagine their crushed little faces when a friend won’t want to play with them, or they are given those fateful words of “I don’t like you”…  they will run to me with open arms needing comfort and reassurance and although I shall be envisioning a swift roundhouse kick to the little blighter who dared to upset my girl, I shall be saying ” that’s fine my sweetheart, there are lots of other children who will love to be your friend”.  Because that’s the fact, there’s always a friend around the corner to fill that gap.

It’s OK to not be liked by some people.

It’s OK if you do things that others don’t understand (well within reason obviously).

It’s OK to just be yourself.

Besides it’s really hard to be something you are not and quite frankly why bother! What a waste of time and effort!

Ginger Rug and I came to the same conclusion.  We both know we can be amazing to be around but also know we can be overpowering, too much and sometimes just not wanted. Which is just fine, because we have each other…we understand.

We are Marmite.

Dear Lisa

Well I hadn’t thought about you for a while.. maybe year’s in fact.. but since yesterday evening I keep thinking about you because I saw Norma. Remember her? The Comets netball coach? The Kent County team? She is just the same except blonde and a bit older obviously! She had no idea who I was of course, why would she.. I just sat on the sideline’s watching and wishing I was as good as you at Netball.. Goal Attack was your position wasn’t it? Remember I was Wing Defence? At school no one ever wanted to play my position did they.. not very glamorous I guess but down that court side our passes we were awesome! It helped being besties of course so we always looked for each other to pass too.. not because we didn’t want anyone else to join in but we both “got it” and knew what the other was going to do. When you had the ball, we were going to be ok.. you would score and everyone would be thinking the same.. thank god we have Lisa on our side! You had the knack at every sports lesson to be the good one. always being the best at each discipline and yet you were MY mate! I was proud about that.

Remember we played in the school band together? you played the Bass Clarinet? Your reeds were coated in lipstick and as usual, you were quite good.. but let’s be honest.. you only played the bass to sit next to Chris. I never quite understood when you got together you were a bit meh. Certainly didn’t do his ego much good, which maybe wasn’t a bad thing. Still hype is a great thing until you find out that actually it’s not.

Remember when you worked in the bakery on a Saturday and there was a huge thunderstorm. Now we both hated thunderstorms, I still do.. they make my stomach churn and I have the childish tendency to sit under my duvet counting the numbers between each lightning flash and rumble of thunder.. only until the numbers get higher can I stick my head out.. Anyway… I remember the almightly clashes and I knew you would be terrified.. so I got on my bike and rode to you! You were all teary and scared when I got there but the look of relief when you saw me, I can still recall.. we sat eating cakes until the storm passed. Nice.

As friends do we drifted apart through latter years at school.. you and boyfriends, starting to smoke (remember how you were made a Prefect and lost it in the same day as they caught you smoking!! ) .. I was still a good girl and you maybe were a bit bored.. I don’t know.. I do think you would have wanted to stay on the good side but the darkness seemed too cool to ignore..

So then after school we randomly got buddy again after seeing each other on a night out remember ? You still looked the same, although your dark long straight hair was cut to your shoulders and the fringe which was sprayed until solid to keep it out of your eyes, was finally grown out..but you were still slim and still wore your coffee shimmer lipstick.. anyway ,you were with Michael and were arguing, I stepped in because you were crying.. I hadn’t seen you for maybe a couple of years but my protectiveness was still there! Michael (who was older than us and had long curtain hair at the time, scared me a bit to be honest just because I rarely spoke to boys. well not “tough” ones anyway..) said to me “she keeps crying, it’s doing my head in” and i said “stop being horrible then, it’s because she likes you, if she didn’t cry, she wouldn’t care”.. or words to that effect… anyway, you made up there and then. I remember that bit clearly as i felt a bit awkward and had to turn my back!  Naturally boys take over and you and Michael were together for a good while so it was all meant to be!

I wonder whether you and Michael would have married? I’m sure you would have.. I wonder whether you would have had any children? One of each perhaps? I wonder whether you would have had a career in sports?

I wonder how your life would have turned out if you had just worn that damn seatbelt. A SEATBELT Lisa.. That’s all it would have taken for you to be still here. A bloody seatbelt changed your path. Michael’s path. Your lovely family not to be broken just because of something so simple. I couldn’t make sense of it at the time (we were 22), and actually I still don’t.

Anyway..I still have the letter’s we wrote to each other in English.. and the sticker you added because i was a nice person. Thanks for that.

So I just really wanted to say Hi, I’m good, life is perfect. Wish you were here.

Polly

Birthday!

Today is my 37th birthday.. I know right ? 37. How did that happen? I’m an adult apparently nearing 40. Ouch.
Woke up at 2am to take #1 for a wee and again at 6am ( I got a lie in!) with #2 at my face.. nose to nose.. Beep beep beep on it.. It’s hilarious don’t you know.. #1 at 6.45 coming into me, armed with her mussy, Rah Rah the Lion, Baby Chick and Agnes, plus her drink… Every morning is the same.. Like she better not leave them behind in her room because 10 feet is a really long way. Lovely. And that does me! My babies on my birthday, well everyday, and it’s just how I like it! Yes presents and cards etc are all nice and jolly but you see I’m the ungrateful kind. I admit it! If anyone ask’s what I’d like, I always request vouchers.. Or a specific book etc.. When people go all ad hoc, and think “she’ll love this” .. Usually means I won’t! I don’t mean to be unappreciative and I am HUGE on personal things, like when you know they have made a super sonic effort and made entirely with love.. That’s my thing.
The other thing is being taken out.. To a restaurant or a show.. The person taking you.. Is it their birthday? Do they deserve a special treat? Yes it’s a bit sad going somewhere on your own but unless the person taking you hates said restaurant or said show then they have lucked out right!? Yes of course I have done this too.. Had the best weekend ever at the Belgium F1 Grand Prix for my Mum’s birthday a few years back!
Through my twenties I had a group of girlfriends…. My bestie at the time would buy me a West End show ticket each year.. (My absolute fave night out!) We all would trundle off to London and have a fab time! BUT it would cost me a bloody fortune! Train, food, drinks etc .. I’d spend over £100 easy! I mentioned the fact one year and never had a show ticket again… But was fun while it lasted!
Now don’t be fooled, I am BIG on birthday’s.. Bigger than Christmas! One special day.. For that one person.. To be treated special, that one day.. Unless you are a twin and that’s a bit rubbish.. But suppose you wouldn’t know any different! But anyway.. Lie in, breakfast in bed blah blah.. I’ve just done the hoovering.. (It’s 8am) .. Violin’s anyone?
So today, The Husband isn’t home as had a works do.. Presumably the day will be mostly him hiding his hangover and trying not to fall asleep! But will have done his best? Yes. The Husband always does his best. He has a beautiful heart and does love to give and make me and the girls happy. He usually gets it spot on, good surprises, excellent presents.. I have taught him well 🙂

Welcome to my blog!

This is my first post..  And as such should be filled with witty, clever and smart anecdotial wonders which will leave you wanting more and checking this page for any updates! I cannot guarantee that, BUT I can guarantee there will be a huge amount of random wondering of observations which will either make you say “Yes Polly, I’m totally with you on that!” or “Erm ok.. I can see where you are coming from” or “what the f*** are you rambling on about now” .. The latter is the most likely.
This blog is my safe place.  To release the thoughts I have which may help, hinder or confuse others.. I tend to have an opinion on just about everything and always always feel the need to share it .. Even when it’s not wanted, required or needed! Which although doesn’t get me many friends and has probably made me lose a few, I am who I am.

A few housekeeping notices to bear in mind…

I … ( dot dot dot ) a lot… I also ! a lot. Therefore this will indicate I’m not too concerned about grammar or punctuation or spelling come to that.. I will try my best though!

My girls are fondly nicknamed by me as boobalooba number 1 and boobalooba number 2… But we will stick with #1 (Daisy) and #2 (Scarlett) and the husband will be known as … The Husband. Yes I am that original!

Update 28/7/2015 – The Husband shall now be known as Ginger Rug .  I regularly call him Ginger and one of my besties added the Rug after seeing a glimpse of his impressive chest … not that impressive.. but Ginger Rug was born.  So that’s that.

My wonders are my own!

I do try so very hard not to be judgemental but at times I might not be able to help myself!

Please enjoy, feel free to share (or not! ) and comment if the mood takes you!